Family sits down to dinner, there is a a daughter named Mary and her two parents. Mary is a straight A student and her parents think she is perfect, but today she got a speeding ticket and has not told her parents
Mom: How was your day Mary? Did you get any tests back?
Mary: (chuckles nervously) yep, I got a 95 on my science quiz
Dad: That's my girl, you couldn't do something wrong if you tried
Mom: Hows your new car doing?
Mary: Well its funny you say that-
Dad: (cuts her off) I am so glad we can trust you with your own car, I heard Billy across the street got a speeding ticket the other day
Mary: Well speeding tickets aren't that bad, right? I mean I'm sure Billy would never break the law on purpose or ever want to disappoint his parents
Mom: Well I guess so, but his parents were pretty mad and took away his car; I know I would do the same thing
Mary: But I mean if it was an accident he can't help it, sometimes bad things just happen to people
Dad: Alright, I know whats going on here. You didn't really get a 95, did you? Don't worry honey, I guess I won't get mad over one A-
Mary: Dad! I swear I got that grade! But like we were talking about cars before... I saw a police man when I was coming home from school today
Mom: Ha! It was probably the one that pulled Billy over
Dad: (laughs)
Mary: Well I talked to the police officer for a little while, he seemed nice
Mom: Why would you be talking to this police officer?
Mary: (puts speeding ticket on table)
Dad: WHAT is this?!
Mary: The same thing that Billy got
Mom: How could you?! We told you to be safe and responsible!
Dad: What happened
Mary: I was speeding
Mom: Well ma'am, we are going to need to talk about this, it isn't like you to do anything wrong! It's a good thing you do well in school, otherwise we would have more troubles on our hands
Dad: I am disappointed, go upstairs and your mother and I will talk about what to do with this
(end dialect)
I love the disappointed comment at the end, because every teenager knows that that is so much worse than anger. You wrote it kind of like a script which is different but kind of takes away the personality to it so it's very straight to the point which could make readers maybe not connect to it as much. You could try to put more reactions in it like when you put that mary "chuckled nervously' or when her dad laughed.
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed reading this for the content. It's very relatable, but the language seems a bit safe. Granted, it is supposed to be a family conversation, this girl getting straight A's must have great vocabulary! So I would just suggest kicking up the diction a notch. But I love that the insight is what the reader asks themselves: do kids who do well in school have it easier at home? Being a smarty pants and a goody- two shoes can only get you so far.
ReplyDeleteThis amused me to say the least. I love hearing about people getting in trouble, especially the way she was just calmly talking to the police officer and how the parents suddenly got really suspicious. Funny? Yes. Relatable? Sure. However, I didn't find it all that attractive to read. It didn't really draw me in and seemed to be a little bland on the wording. Maybe spice it up diction-wise next time with some of that variety stuff they say that makes life so great.
ReplyDelete